Notice 146

psst! i'm shifting my blog to wordpress because i'm super free and everything is not working on blogger i dunno why T_T

http://theseventhexit.wordpress.com/

suprise or not?

Now I see you Now I don't

dearest bernice,

i wonder if you will feel sad if i were to tell you that i'm back to the normal me again. that i don't need anymore "some time some time" to get used to not having you guys around. that i can finally look at your apartment one day and tell the new person beside me that "this is where my best friends used to live". that i do not need to hold my handphone to sleep every night. because it doesn't mean that i've stop missing you, and because i know that is what you want me to be, i think i can tell you that i'm getting there. not quite yet. but almost there. /strong. i am actually not as tough as i thought that i can just go to the airport everyday to see you guys leaving me and then come home, repack my bag and start studying and moving on with life. my parents and friends had warn me, but i just didn't know how it feels until the absolute silence. then i'm sick of the people who can't understand me as much as you do but busy guessing about my relationship with hamster behind me.

it feels like yesterday when I walk home from svuh, thinking of going to your house for dinner and xingguangdadao. i thought i can hear you telling me about putra venture and the juniors coming to get your stuff from your house and your osce on last monday and your to-do list before you go back and how bored you are at home that you wish to come to my boring classes with me. it feels like you never left me although the only way we are communicating right now is through fb or unreplied meteor webtexts. everything is so quiet now. so very quiet that i can hear the clock ticking at 12 midnight together with the sound of my heart dropping into a bottomless valley. a valley that has nothing much similar with the one in wicklow. gazing into the miles away familiar places that we used to stand together in the cold, i sip from the hot cup of milo you reminded me to drink.

i didn't feel the fear of being alone until 14 days before monday. i made a list of things i wanted to do with the fusillians before you go back. and wanted you to make a list of things for me: where to find exam timetable, how to strike through in my blog post, what aikido technique should i use to knock down a hamsaplou, piano songs for my ipod etc. but these few hundred hours are just not enough for me to say what i will to tell you everyday. i didn't know how to complete my list while i'm trying to swallow the imaginary bolus that stuck in my throat since forever. and these other hundred hours of yours is so scant for me that both of us don't want to waste any second of our time together. i vividly remember how you step on my feet under fi's duvet and asked if that's my feet.

i miss yongxin, i miss jiahang, i miss fiona, i miss yinye, i miss elaine, i miss kristina, i miss listening to all the voices, i miss receiving messages, i miss you that i will stare at the strangers at the bus stop, thinking of how nice it would be if they were you and you. i don't cry anymore. the separation is not even 2 weeks yet, i think i'm still lying to myself that you are just lazy to get out from your tiny little maid room in fusilli. showed hamster my birthday video yesterday. we were smiling when we think of you guys.

the weather is still fluctuating. there is a new coffee shop beside my house. i followed hamster to rent a car. i am getting a book shelf. hamster's housemate, pepper is a gay. i have one week before my midterm. i have a secret to tell you. we went to hop house for lunch and the prawn tempura u-dong is so not filling. svuh has this very cool room with huge glass windows. i ate the raisins you left for me. i don't have to go to coombe's anymore for the time being. i saw a spider in hamster's bathroom yesterday. and saw the very goodlooking guy fi mentioned when we were at hop house the last time. linhui passed her todai interview. it was hanyin's birthday yesterday. my sister cut her hair. hovis bread is still under discount. i miss you.

wanted to put up pictures of everyone that i miss in this post but sigh, i'm so lazy how? and hungry.. please eat more in penang and don't eat alone. i wish i was there to eat with you and we can go to the beach and see who can scream louder. i think you girls must be busy preparing for school reopening. have you read the tofufa scrapbook? you don't have to finish reading it in one day you know? :)

i miss you i miss you i miss you!

Reduced Buoyancy

i am not thinking about it anymore. it feels like the spot light is on me, dancing in a very rundown 80 centuries hotel ballroom. i follow my shadow and it follows me. then we make circles over and over again. out of a sudden someone would ask me, do you feel any pain anywhere? i choke. not being able to describe for i have it all over the body, radiating from the left side of my chest.

i smell coke from my room since 30 minutes ago, am i hallucinating? i feel that no one has given me the time and yet everyone wants me to give them the time they wanted. it is like having someone staring at you as you walk pass and never stop because you are late for second period and all she could do is to follow the bits of your back before you disappear from the sight, turning into the next lecture theater. i thought i am balance on the see-saw of people from all sides but the truth is i'm already feeling the missing pieces. the thickness of the pages i need to study, the correct attitude i should possess, and the social outings that i must mere my presence. the spot light is still on me and the crowd is waiting to see if i would trip over the see-saw. first-timer is not a good excuse to fail things.

nobody seems to realise that i am not the only one who is running out of time. i have no time to be sad or angry or sleepy or hungry or confused. it is an urge to hold onto someone who is promising but a withheld instead because of the independence i am trying to yearn.

Philadelphia Milkshake

#1- french breakfast -

as children, we were taught to believe. to believe in santa claus. to believe in what our parents did for us is for our own good. to believe in history and formulas. when we grow up a little, they taught us to believe only a certain things. to never talk to a stranger. to never believe your alcoholic daddy. to believe that there is no number 2. as we grow again, we want to believe in some things. to believe in eternal love. to believe in alliens and dinosaurs. to believe in our dreams come true. and then we grow to realise that things don't just happen because you believed. that dreams are hard to achieve. that people are hard to believe. to only, believe in yourself. and as we grow older, we will forget about all the "don't believe" lessons and start to believe again. to believe when the doctor says he can save you. to believe your son that he will come visit you. to believe that you were once young and healthy.

i want to believe when my coursemates say it's good to have me around for another 2.5 years. to believe that the world will keep turning as long as i keep standing. and i would believe you if i didn't see you doing those things that i hate.

.........................

pp, mm and cdying came over last friday and i miss sleeping in the same room with them :(

#2- obese dd -


#3- on the bus home from dinner. i thought only young people like to camwhore. ok luh, my dad is still young -

#4- with the not very happy cdying *love* -

#5- he texted me at 3am this morning to tell me there's a rat at home and he is scared -


#6


#7- i don't like double 'n' guinness but sigh, i'm so cute with the pint what to do -



#8- they obviously like it -


#9- trinity college -


#10- st stephen's green park -

..........................................


#11 -went to charming noodles for lunch with darling bernice and wanlin who are going back to penang soon T__T -

...................................................

the white coat ceremony (wcc)
it symbolizes the transition of the medical students from pre-clinical years to clinical years. during the ceremony, the senior academic staff of the school of medicine and medical science put the white coat on for us as they addressed the issue of medical ethics and the responsibilities we are going to bear in a few years time.

this is the first time i caught the feeling of becoming a doctor. not the anatomy dissections. not the hospital visits. not the clinical workshops but the first wcc ucd held for us.


#12- fi and i -


#13- me and abe with our white coats on -


#14


#15- fi and hamster and her current fav pose -


#16

..............................................

malaysian night 2010


#17- @ the full dress rehearsal with eunice. HAHAHAHA that was my first time wearing a baju kurung school uniform /shy -


#18- the dikir barat guys -


#19- choral speaking & choir -


#20- fi and yi ping -


#21- the chinese dancers with nobuko and haruka sensei -


#22- my housemates and friends -


#23- with eammon aka eoghan in sketch. please pardon my funny-looking hair T__T i think i look like some 19th century tai tai *sorry ruyi* -


#24


#25- tegpal -

#26- and the fantabulous chinese dancers and elaine -

and so the curtains are drawn. i'm back to the life of a happy medical student and am still believing.

p.s: i feel old now.

In search of the gigling heart

- they are coming tomorrow! :D -

hours in uni/hosp aren't too scary yet and *drum rolls* i've just entered the magical world of clinical years. it's equally excited as going to disneyland when i heard the korotkov sounds over my green stethoscope today. i wasn't so sure that i'm going to hear it because i tried so hard in first year during clinical illustration seminar but i couldn't hear it at all :( and it was so loud!! happier to listen to than the annoying lion dance. -__- everything is almost perfect. the classes. the workshops. the complaints. the lunch breaks. the mnite practices. the 9pm-8am grey mosaic period my brain is having.

there are so many so many things to learn and recall. cardiovascular workshop. signs and symptoms for stroke. associated symptoms. when. duration. frequency. severity on a scale from 0-10. characteristic of chest pain. functional placements. aggravating factors. relieving factors. past medical history. social history. family history. medication and allergy. then physical examination. inspection. palpation. percussion not needed. auscultation of the heart. then ENT workshop. inspect the nose. do physical examination. look into the ear canal with the otoscope. check if any polyps. any discharge. any buldging of the tympanic membrane. hearing test. use a 512 Hz tuning fork to carry out weber's test and rinne's test. inspect the neck. check for lumps. ask if patient has any pain or distress. palpate the neck. start from submantle. submandibular. peritracheal. jugular. thyroid. supraclavicle. periauricle. postauricle. occipital. then look into the oral cavity. therapeutics lectures. check for urinary discharge of renal failure patient. check for oedema. creatinine level. potassium level. professional clinical practice lectures to learn the basics of professionalism. and dress code. no purple hair. no multiple piercing. no miniskirt. harold shipman. 10,000 hours practice to become an expert from outliers. then run to the bus stop to catch a bus to this hospital and that hospital for seminars. i really hope i can be this busy everyday so i wouldn't have time to eat! /boo

i was more nervous than excited when the school reopened. the provisional results aren't too satisfying either. i thought i wasn't suitable enough for this field because noc made me bored of staying in the hospital but /shy now it makes my heart giggles.




i have to find an interestingly new interest, besides swallowing raisins.

This winter

at this other time last winter, i went to switzerland, austria and czech republic with my 3 best friends. the thing about time is that yes it makes me grow, but forget at the very same time. the little stories behind the photos slip pass my fingers like sand, i couldn't close my hands on time. i worked so hard for the exams and then all the catch-ups and then it was uk trip, then noc, the viral infection, then paris, and now i have 1 day left for school reopen. when i poured myself a cup of milk and sat with my legs close to my chest, wrote a postcard with the itunes turned on, i didn't count but i know, my best friends are going back to malaysia in 2 months time. there is nothing else to wish as i have already knew this since the first day we met. just when i choose to regain my energy by spending my 24hours alone, i wonder if i could have spend more time with them.

travelling is tiring when there's too much of it. so is keeping company. even trying to answer to "are you ok?" can be tiring. but it's not easy to remember and make them remember. i am not a distance person. i don't make changes once i adapt. at least not physically. i forget to look back. and that is why i have to look into the present and to be in it. besides the loneliness i urge to tear and the awkward silence we will have when we meet, i'm sure it will be alright like how it happen to me and my other best friends in japan, australia, malaysia, and uk. i am starting to enjoy the moments with just my shadow. and complete strangers.

#1- to my best friends -

#2- birmingham -

#3- leicester square underground, london -

#4- st paul's cathedral, london -

#5- trent building, nottingham university -

#6- anfield stadium, liverpool -

#7- old trafford, manchester -

#8- arc de triomphe, paris -

#9- la defence, paris -

#10- notre dame, paris -

#11- luxembourg garden, paris -

#12- basilique, paris -

#13- macarons -

#14- our first ride at disneyland -

#15- sulley from monster inc -

*disney pictures will be up in another post*

#16- metro in paris -

#17- palace at lourve, paris -

#18- lourve museum, paris -

#19- mona lisa -

#20- one of the sculpture -

#21- stitch, eiffel tower -

#22- stitch went for fine dining -

some random p.s:
1. everyone has to be a long distance person.
2. if i were to name a colour for paris, it would be cream.
3. i want to continue to discover the beauty in every small things. i can't do it when i'm tired.
4. i am tired.
5. but i'll be back after some time.
6. pp and mm are coming over to uk next week.
7. ba gua and twisties are yummy *slurrp*.
8. it's so very cold this winter.