Now I see you Now I don't

dearest bernice,

i wonder if you will feel sad if i were to tell you that i'm back to the normal me again. that i don't need anymore "some time some time" to get used to not having you guys around. that i can finally look at your apartment one day and tell the new person beside me that "this is where my best friends used to live". that i do not need to hold my handphone to sleep every night. because it doesn't mean that i've stop missing you, and because i know that is what you want me to be, i think i can tell you that i'm getting there. not quite yet. but almost there. /strong. i am actually not as tough as i thought that i can just go to the airport everyday to see you guys leaving me and then come home, repack my bag and start studying and moving on with life. my parents and friends had warn me, but i just didn't know how it feels until the absolute silence. then i'm sick of the people who can't understand me as much as you do but busy guessing about my relationship with hamster behind me.

it feels like yesterday when I walk home from svuh, thinking of going to your house for dinner and xingguangdadao. i thought i can hear you telling me about putra venture and the juniors coming to get your stuff from your house and your osce on last monday and your to-do list before you go back and how bored you are at home that you wish to come to my boring classes with me. it feels like you never left me although the only way we are communicating right now is through fb or unreplied meteor webtexts. everything is so quiet now. so very quiet that i can hear the clock ticking at 12 midnight together with the sound of my heart dropping into a bottomless valley. a valley that has nothing much similar with the one in wicklow. gazing into the miles away familiar places that we used to stand together in the cold, i sip from the hot cup of milo you reminded me to drink.

i didn't feel the fear of being alone until 14 days before monday. i made a list of things i wanted to do with the fusillians before you go back. and wanted you to make a list of things for me: where to find exam timetable, how to strike through in my blog post, what aikido technique should i use to knock down a hamsaplou, piano songs for my ipod etc. but these few hundred hours are just not enough for me to say what i will to tell you everyday. i didn't know how to complete my list while i'm trying to swallow the imaginary bolus that stuck in my throat since forever. and these other hundred hours of yours is so scant for me that both of us don't want to waste any second of our time together. i vividly remember how you step on my feet under fi's duvet and asked if that's my feet.

i miss yongxin, i miss jiahang, i miss fiona, i miss yinye, i miss elaine, i miss kristina, i miss listening to all the voices, i miss receiving messages, i miss you that i will stare at the strangers at the bus stop, thinking of how nice it would be if they were you and you. i don't cry anymore. the separation is not even 2 weeks yet, i think i'm still lying to myself that you are just lazy to get out from your tiny little maid room in fusilli. showed hamster my birthday video yesterday. we were smiling when we think of you guys.

the weather is still fluctuating. there is a new coffee shop beside my house. i followed hamster to rent a car. i am getting a book shelf. hamster's housemate, pepper is a gay. i have one week before my midterm. i have a secret to tell you. we went to hop house for lunch and the prawn tempura u-dong is so not filling. svuh has this very cool room with huge glass windows. i ate the raisins you left for me. i don't have to go to coombe's anymore for the time being. i saw a spider in hamster's bathroom yesterday. and saw the very goodlooking guy fi mentioned when we were at hop house the last time. linhui passed her todai interview. it was hanyin's birthday yesterday. my sister cut her hair. hovis bread is still under discount. i miss you.

wanted to put up pictures of everyone that i miss in this post but sigh, i'm so lazy how? and hungry.. please eat more in penang and don't eat alone. i wish i was there to eat with you and we can go to the beach and see who can scream louder. i think you girls must be busy preparing for school reopening. have you read the tofufa scrapbook? you don't have to finish reading it in one day you know? :)

i miss you i miss you i miss you!