Bookmark.

Autumn. I start to miss the sunny weather.

Everything becomes so unpredictable, so special yet so familiar. I am glad, that my darling friends notice the not-so happy me. I don't know what is wrong with me either. I don't know where did the girl that gets excited over small things, the girl that sleep whenever she wants and gets up whenever she wants to eat whatever she wants and just feel guilty for 3 seconds. The one that sms so much and finishes her 300 webtext in 10 days time. The one that can spend her whole day sitting in front of the mirror, day dreaming about what to eat. I just can't find my piece of puzzle fitting into theirs. They are not simple anymore, or am I being complicated?

It's the second year. The second month. Responsibility increases, problems grow, gap widens, hearts apart. Someone once say, Not not talking, but can't find a reason to talk. Not not happy, but don't feel happy. Not not laughing, but there is nothing to laugh at. She can't find a reason to laugh and be happy. Neither do I.

Waking up every morning, I will look outside the window. Waiting for the sun to rise. I like seeing the leaves fall, waiting for the trees to get bare, and look into the 20 meters away neighbouring window. The spider is making its way into my room when I fall asleep and going to be late for class.

The world outside the window is so big. The kids were playing in the backyard while the mother came out with a plate of cookies. The rabbit and sheep like clouds were moving so fast, and the aeroplane tried hard to move forward. My teddy fell on the floor when I woke up this morning. I know, we don't need a reason to smile.

I stand in front of the mirror, practising my biggest ever smile. The lips are finding their way up, and the dimples are making some effort to go deeper, the heart wonders. The eyebrows drop, I look down and shake my head. No I can do this. Oh yes I can. This is the 100 times I am saying that, maybe as a method of celebrating the 100 posts I have got here.

I know people might whack my head and say, You just went back for summer! but I just miss eating the food. Chocolate, Cakes, Durian, Ba gua, Twisties, Mc D, Wantan mee, Taufu fa, Soy bean drink, Soup noodles, Ginger duck rice, Curry Laksa, just, More cakes.

Knowing where am I standing now, I know I have to regain some energy. This morning was cheered up with a hard boil egg. Feeling guilty when eating when I didn't plan to or just having something stuck in my heart all the time let me decide to stop all these messy thinking before getting aneroxia and depression. Food in one drawer, studies in another, life, interest, hearts, thoughts. Have to start loving what I organise, what I plan. Tidy up the feelings and ask for the soul to return.

And these are called bookmarks of my life. Flipping the page now towards the next chapter to be.

Happy is simple? Then can I have a white chocolate cake for my 19th birthday like it used to be? It's my last year of teen you know...