My tWistEd bOuLevArD: A tiny big world. Of twenty.

perhaps i am a lonely planet in the dark at times, i crave for attention. sitting quietly, listening to people talking all around me, the bits of pain and misery and lessons gained from the past makes it so perfect to be quiet. having my 20th on the first day of finals is probably better than it seems. i will not have time to think if I'm going to have a proper celebration by then.

i didn't have the privilege of ignoring finals, but these harmless, precious people round up the promises and drift pass me at eye-level. like getting thousands of bio-degradable helium balloons releasing to the sky just for me. in these many many months of my life that we meet, it becomes harder to believe what is real is real.

9 months ago, i told bernice and tim dai lou that i want a video from everyone, telling me or showing me something so i can watch it when they go back to pmc. when i miss those voices that laugh at how clumsy i am, miss the people who still love me even if i'm having a bad hair day, who listen and remember what i said, who cares if i catch a cold or have nothing to eat at home, or wake up from dreadful stressful nights by nightmares that you cannot imagine, who adjust themselves for me, who tell me it's good to have me in their lives. and because, just because they are going back in early march next year, they are doing whatever they can, to accumulate my happiness so i can use them slowly for the next 2 and a half years. and because, just because my life is so perfect even with flaws and doubts, it is making me harder to let people walk in and out of my everyday life, not realising that i am walking out of their lives too. not realising that, i should do more than just suppressing my own feeling to overgrow. and these people, are not just the ones that are leaving soon, but the ones that are staying behind or left since a long long time ago.

"Our dear Tongtong,

Happy birthday again !

Yes, you are a big girl now. No more teenager that can't have your own credit card.

You can now stay by yourself. Can go shower without having Popo or someone to stay in the room with you. You can now cook, don't know how good, but you can cook !

But in our heart you are always our little girl that need our care and love.

We are so lucky indeed to have a lovely, intelligent, beautiful and funny daughter like you. It's a blessing to have you , although having you were not planned ! You are a " Tuhan Kasi " child !

As you are going into your adulthood and turning into a fine lady, we hope that you do not only take care yourself, you should also learn to take care of others. We are certain that you can make a positive difference to this world.

Since you are young, mami and I always worried about you. You skipped one year to join your sister. It was not easy, especially you have an outstanding sister who were top of her class. People like to compare.

You were firm when you decide to skip that year. I admire your determination.

I remember you were 2nd last in the class for your 1st term in standard 5. It must be tough for you.

We were proud to see that you never give up. You work hard to catch up. We could see that you made good progress, year after year.

Scoring is not important, what is important is a person's determination to make it . You have demonstrated your determination. Be proud of yourself .

Since your kindergarten year, you have decided to do medicine. You never change.

Mami and I were a bit concern if you can make it. Not bcos we have no faith in you, it is a very challenging task. One needs to score excellent result for medicine course, especially if you want to pursue your study in UK or Ireland.

We were mentally prepared for you to do the course in PMC, IMU or even India !

But you made it to UCD ! We are so proud ! Once again you have proven to the world your capability .

We shall always love you whether you are 8, 18, 28, 38.....or 58 !

Happy birthday and welcome to the world of adulthood !

Plenty of love from,
Pa and Mi "
-09/12/2007-

and from a family that keeps me safe to sleep at night.

i don't like suprises when i didn't plan to have one. but i shall take back my words because the suprises i had is so overwhelming, so sweetly detailed, too good to ask for more.

hundreds of messages+fb wall posts+emails+bday cards from special people all around the world : ireland, uk, us, australia, canada, japan, indonesia, malaysia and singapore. a digital frame from tim with videos from everyone. a cup cakes delivery to my house. a bouquet of sunflowers. phone calls. chocolates and cereal bars and candies that i will never buy for myself because i'm so paranoid of spending and eating unnecessarily. a present from bulgaria. the ear muffs that i've always wanted. birthday hugs. and more. this is definitely one of the very few times that makes me think that the reality is better than dreams. that the dreams i kept is finally a reality.

i do not think that i can live on so beautifully for having 4 papers in 4 consecutive days and the last one on 2.5 days later. not without the dearest/best/most helpful study partners. not without the free nitelines. not without them who trust me and agree that nothing means more than finals and we can always sleep aft that. not without them who sleep for 5, 4, 3 hours with me but are still so encouraging. i do not know if i can do this with such strong will power when we are gap by the long time difference. with blog posts about what they did in that warm and moist hemisphere and blog posts about my new semesters with my good friend/teammate, kien (aka hamster because his laundry detergent makes him smell like one). and probably some cute brief conversations with the new friends. i do not know if i can get this right, but i definitely will live on and be the baby bird these people have always wanted me to be when i grow up. and now that i am growing, they laugh at times, and tell me to stop growing too fast!

if i have a dream and that is to make people happy, then i'm exceeding the threshold because i am receiving what i dreamt too. so it doesn't matter anymore if the people are walking in and out of my life, because it is still going to happen, after the many many months of my life. and it's not going to be so hard as i thought it would be and might be better like the twinkling starry nights because of what we give each other.