Disney Alert

the light bounces off the while snow and reflects into the sky, giving it a paint of orange mix with pink. the pattering of the snow onto the solid surface sounds alike with the bowl of green beans i spilled onto the kitchen tiles. in their own staccato manner.

i'm going to paris disneyland on monday!! since when exclamation marks and bold letters disappear from my sentences? since that friday morning long long time ago. i like the thick inches of vanilla white snow when it doesn't affect my schedule. i hope it doesn't.

-Picasso : Guernica-

what do you do when somebody wink at you?

If my smile helps

-with ji sung at old trafford-

it was a strange night with heavy snowstorm. it feels like i was finding my own way out in the national library, criss-crossing among shelves of philosophy, mathematics, history, art and modern art. saw an empty reception at third floor, an empty staff room with echo, a very very far exit sign. and then i woke up in the middle of the night after 2 seconds of jerking.

growing up in a very well family seems to make life easier. you can keep track with the most up-to-date answers, the formulas of becoming a good person, having a good job, leading the good lifestyle and trying to impress yourself. imagine staying in a very well defined container all the time, with intermittent heat pushing you to move upwards at appropriate intervals. that's where the word rebel came from. a slight mistake will turn the world upside down.

i declare my own day off today and sleep. and wake up after 12 to eat cereal. and apple. and scoop chocolate from the jar. and put the laundry into the wardrobe. and call home to get compliments. and stare at myself. and pray for the time to pass slower today but nobody answer my prayer. and go for dance practice.

yesterday was at a nursing home in bray. so much wonders. working as a carer is definitely different as a doctor and i'm glad i am going to be the latter one. but the tint of experience gave me a macro scope of how is it like to deal with really sick old people. if those 'lonely' old people along the street gave me a pinch in the heart, then these old people told me how real is reality. how real is aging and poverty.

Tracking Footsteps of the Heart

i have this weird habit where i give myself a lot of private moments. just myself fullstop. especially after too much outings, spending, eating, exposure, stress, distractions. a little gateaway from the usually unusual rules i would follow, away from companies, away from the familiar and unfamiliar zones.

second chance doesn't come to me very often. i won't forgive myself if i didn't go for noc this morning when they called. so yep, *tada* today was my first day, first time working. i think it's about time, after 20 years of carefree. i am someone who pretty much needed some 'push' and that 'push' can be from myself. i am never good at public speaking, connections with people, learning and remembering, google maping et cetera. but i have this super power in which i like to see myself achieving something. perhaps i just want to prove to myself that i can do that something too. it's like medicine- that i can do it because i want to. i hope i am not wrong.

i had to take a bus to city centre then a luas to the hospital. looking out from the moving bus in a familiar city makes every beauty stays closer to heart than a new city with familiar beauties but touches my heart. the stops have funny names. i thought i could drop by another time when it stopped at museum. i thought of hamster and our very first site visit when it stopped at st james. i thought of going to guiness by luas when it stopped at heuston. i smiled when it stopped at black horse, golden bridge, red cow, blue bell. and finally, i was at tallaght.

it was a small ward with 6 patients and i was in charge of a schizophrenic patient. i didn't have to do much during that 9 hours so i skipped dinner break and stayed in the ward. the man in bed 6 is an aphasic patient with renal and respi problems. his son and daughter-in-law came in the afternoon. they helped him shave and put lip balms on his very thin lips. their conversations weren't that much because they were all repeats. have you eaten? X4. do you want me to take off your jacket? X6 are you feeling cold? your hands are cold. X5 man united is beaten by leeds X5. the man in bed 5 is a leeds united fan. his wife had 2 scones for lunch and a cup of coffee. the man in bed 4 worked in a telephone company for almost 40 years and thinks that it's not fair that malaysia doesn't have 4 seasons. the man in bed 3 is my patient. he has a catheter on but he keeps wanting to pee, eats alot and wrote my name on his hand. he has 3 very very tall brothers and the one who visited him in the afternoon winked at me twice. the man in bed 2 didn't talk much to me but he spoke a lot when his family and friends came over. the man in bed 1 looks like a navy. he is the only one without any visitors. he had mash potatos and lamb and icecream for lunch.

a third chance landed on me again after falling on the very hard iced ground. i'm going to work for a 12 hour shift tomorrow in bray. i think i can be qualify as a nurse/carer on-call already.

**......................................................**

#1-the winter is very white this year-

#2-countdown at abe's house-

#3

#4

#5 -jh looks like a korean here-

#6- eugene is still 1cm taller than me :(-

#7

#8-ellis' popiah *slurrrp*-

#9- fi and i went over to ellis' place for chee hon's birthday dinner-

#10-baby rania and me-

#11-ellis and chee hon-

#12-stacko-

#13

#14-fi and baby rania-

#15-fi and baby imran-

my new year resolution is not really about being ladylike. i am always seeing happy things because i am lucky. everything seems so achievable, so impossible to be impossible. and today i realised that the world is not always round for everyone. so my new year resolution is still try to be there for it to be at its perfect shape.

p.s: i am still not treating everyone equally, which i don't think it's possible and necessary anyways. only best friends and quiet children and old people can soothe my soul. and nice adults. *evil*

p.p.s: i want to read comments jlyy, clh, hjy, blpy anyone! -____________-

Now

i touched down at 10.40pm yesterday. was still very hyper at 1am when we were at his house celebrating her birthday. the house was cold, i think the boiler was frozen. and i woke up this morning to see the house is still cold. ate some cereal and stopped munching on rich tea biscuits when my throat hurts. drank 3 cups of tap water. skype with pp. unpacked. skype with cdying. read a little. wondered if i should put myself on-call for the following week. went back to bed and laid on my face. woke up to see the sky turned dark on my right. my right eyebrow looked weird. it's hamster's birthday today. wishing him over the time difference is somewhat time travelling. i don't know what to eat for dinner and i'm not hungry. a message came in. when will listening to me make you cry? thought of the old man who ordered boiled rice only. thought of the boy with trisomy 21 who returned my smile at manchester airport. went to get another cup of water. thought of what i did at this other time last year. i was suddenly back there. thought of what i'm going to do this other time next year. i can't see through the future. can't blog about the uk trip yet because i don't have much photos in my camera. looked outside the window and saw dark clouds moved pass the moon like flying flocks. pp "tsk tsk" me when i told him i'm going back to sleep after i'm done with unpacking but i think doing what your heart tells you to is what you can do when you are having a break. i am not tired. i don't have to look at my phone when i type. the loudie bear is not dancing. for a second i want the whole world to mute. he told me about someone else being different now. you told me i am a little different. indifferent i suppose. cold, quiet, quiet in both types : not wanting to talk and do not know what to talk about. i think i am tired now.

-i miss this thing-

When the wind blows

the snow flakes dropped on her shoulder and melted. the forgotten piece that was once upon a time playing the memory of my life is awaken. and dancing among the kaleidoscope of gray and white, not quite pure kind of white but white.

i like to make cards because i like to read cards. smses yes. fb wallposts yes. emails yes. but cards are so irreplaceable for people who doesn't talk much about zillion little things, like me.

how can a bday be a bday without cards? i think i can survive one without cakes but not bday cards. so there are these special little ones across the miles...

-from my housemates who always give me the best cards-

-from jing yi from a month ago and she drew me 20 cup cakes-

-from notts-

-from jlyy with the candies and it was so funny because i didn't read the package properly i thought candy is the name of the staff in the post office-

-from su lynn with an invisible hug-

-from lin hui and how can i not love cards you see-

i'm going to uk tomorrow and i can't wait to go to sleep so tomorrow can come faster :

okie la mm, i'll sms you when i travel to another city ok?

19-22 dec : london, cambridge
22-24 dec : birmingham, around birmingham
24-27 dec : nottingham for christmas
27-30 dec : manchester, liverpool

so don't worry! it's just the UNITED KINGDOMS and it's not my first time travelling.



when the wind blows, the craddle didn't fall but the dreams with wings are loaded.

for the best friends who doesn't need to speak. for the rise who made me THE dinner and first bday cake. for the guys who thought of me as a friend. for the hamster who doesn't like to tell me stories but keep stuffing me with cookies and cakes and even made me a card. for the ones who came and couldn't come for my bday lunch. for yumi who is willing to hang out with the worst japanese student.

*Nollaig Shona Duit*

A tiny big world. Of twenty.

perhaps i am a lonely planet in the dark at times, i crave for attention. sitting quietly, listening to people talking all around me, the bits of pain and misery and lessons gained from the past makes it so perfect to be quiet. having my 20th on the first day of finals is probably better than it seems. i will not have time to think if I'm going to have a proper celebration by then.


i didn't have the privilege of ignoring finals, but these harmless, precious people round up the promises and drift pass me at eye-level. like getting thousands of bio-degradable helium balloons releasing to the sky just for me. in these many many months of my life that we meet, it becomes harder to believe what is real is real.

9 months ago, i told bernice and tim dai lou that i want a video from everyone, telling me or showing me something so i can watch it when they go back to pmc. when i miss those voices that laugh at how clumsy i am, miss the people who still love me even if i'm having a bad hair day, who listen and remember what i said, who cares if i catch a cold or have nothing to eat at home, or wake up from dreadful stressful nights by nightmares that you cannot imagine, who adjust themselves for me, who tell me it's good to have me in their lives. and because, just because they are going back in early march next year, they are doing whatever they can, to accumulate my happiness so i can use them slowly for the next 2 and a half years. and because, just because my life is so perfect even with flaws and doubts, it is making me harder to let people walk in and out of my everyday life, not realising that i am walking out of their lives too. not realising that, i should do more than just suppressing my own feeling to overgrow. and these people, are not just the ones that are leaving soon, but the ones that are staying behind or left since a long long time ago.



"Our dear Tongtong,

Happy birthday again !

Yes, you are a big girl now. No more teenager that can't have your own credit card.

You can now stay by yourself. Can go shower without having Popo or someone to stay in the room with you. You can now cook, don't know how good, but you can cook !

But in our heart you are always our little girl that need our care and love.

We are so lucky indeed to have a lovely, intelligent, beautiful and funny daughter like you. It's a blessing to have you , although having you were not planned ! You are a " Tuhan Kasi " child !

As you are going into your adulthood and turning into a fine lady, we hope that you do not only take care yourself, you should also learn to take care of others. We are certain that you can make a positive difference to this world.

Since you are young, mami and I always worried about you. You skipped one year to join your sister. It was not easy, especially you have an outstanding sister who were top of her class. People like to compare.

You were firm when you decide to skip that year. I admire your determination.

I remember you were 2nd last in the class for your 1st term in standard 5. It must be tough for you.

We were proud to see that you never give up. You work hard to catch up. We could see that you made good progress, year after year.

Scoring is not important, what is important is a person's determination to make it . You have demonstrated your determination. Be proud of yourself .

Since your kindergarten year, you have decided to do medicine. You never change.

Mami and I were a bit concern if you can make it. Not bcos we have no faith in you, it is a very challenging task. One needs to score excellent result for medicine course, especially if you want to pursue your study in UK or Ireland.

We were mentally prepared for you to do the course in PMC, IMU or even India !

But you made it to UCD ! We are so proud ! Once again you have proven to the world your capability .

We shall always love you whether you are 8, 18, 28, 38.....or 58 !

Happy birthday and welcome to the world of adulthood !

Plenty of love from,
Pa and Mi "
-09/12/2007-

and from a family that keeps me safe to sleep at night.

i don't like suprises when i didn't plan to have one. but i shall take back my words because the suprises i had is so overwhelming, so sweetly detailed, too good to ask for more.

hundreds of messages+fb wall posts+emails+bday cards from special people all around the world : ireland, uk, us, australia, canada, japan, indonesia, malaysia and singapore. a digital frame from tim with videos from everyone. a cup cakes delivery to my house. a bouquet of sunflowers. phone calls. chocolates and cereal bars and candies that i will never buy for myself because i'm so paranoid of spending and eating unnecessarily. a present from bulgaria. the ear muffs that i've always wanted. birthday hugs. and more. this is definitely one of the very few times that makes me think that the reality is better than dreams. that the dreams i kept is finally a reality.

i do not think that i can live on so beautifully for having 4 papers in 4 consecutive days and the last one on 2.5 days later. not without the dearest/best/most helpful study partners. not without the free nitelines. not without them who trust me and agree that nothing means more than finals and we can always sleep aft that. not without them who sleep for 5, 4, 3 hours with me but are still so encouraging. i do not know if i can do this with such strong will power when we are gap by the long time difference. with blog posts about what they did in that warm and moist hemisphere and blog posts about my new semesters with my good friend/teammate, kien (aka hamster because his laundry detergent makes him smell like one). and probably some cute brief conversations with the new friends. i do not know if i can get this right, but i definitely will live on and be the baby bird these people have always wanted me to be when i grow up. and now that i am growing, they laugh at times, and tell me to stop growing too fast!


if i have a dream and that is to make people happy, then i'm exceeding the threshold because i am receiving what i dreamt too. so it doesn't matter anymore if the people are walking in and out of my life, because it is still going to happen, after the many many months of my life. and it's not going to be so hard as i thought it would be and might be better like the twinkling starry nights because of what we give each other.

-from cdying dajie and parents-

-ooh, if you ever wonder how is my dad, he is still good and funny like the one i knew-

-from jacob lyy-

-from jolynn-

-from fiona-

20 makes it whole.
thanks for making me a princess.
thanks for being my friend.

It's a special day to celebrate the gift of 'you' to the world

there's one thing good about blogspot where the time shown on the post is based on when you started writing and saving that post. it feels like i can leap through the 1 or 2 or 3 hours blogging or even for days. my heart has been irreversibly passing signals to my brain to tell it what day is today.

today is my soulmate's birthday. this must be a pretty quick day for both of us because we still need to study for exams (and it is for me -__- i have been sleeping more than i study for the whole day). like you said, we are just not meant to celebrate birthdays because it will be either during the holidays or exams, like now. i wonder if birthdays should mean that much to me. especially the one that belongs to me.

i must be a genius because (i think) i made you the best birthday card in 5 hours time, just after last week's gi test (gi test was horrible btw T.T) until 3 in the morning. and *applause dublin postman and japan postman must adore you very much, they made it to you on time! :) i was shock when i saw your email this morning, with the title "you lied to me". i thought that was meant for this post. isn't it a good suprise? i never thought the card will reach you on time, or even reach you, because dublin post is like dublin weather. so unpredictable. so labile.

i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you. i'll try to fly over to celebrate with you in 10 years time. i couldn't do anything even for my own birthday. because once, i used to think birthdays are only important on that day itself. but on today, it means more than that to me. more like a day where people tell you how much they appreciate you and how big the love they want to give you in return. it's really heart-melting by just thinking about it.

-linhui in yukata-
so pretty~!! (.,.) ok your friend stephanie is very very pretty too.

i'm going to show just a few pages of what is in your card ok? because these are my 2 favourite parts and when i flipped through the pages for bernice, she wasn't even paying attention! T.T

-i edited the photo by combining both pages together. highlighted some words because they are meant for you only.-

-the front cover where i threw a rabu retaa (love letter) to you from ireland.-

*bernice, do you think i'm a genius too? -__-

today is ajay's birthday too. we celebrated his 18th birthday 2 years ago and now that this guy is going back to penang, it just reminds me of how time flies along with the butterflies, into the four seasons over and over again. at times i thought i could see my shadow in him. so young. so competitive. hate to be look down by others. but i don't think we'll ever regret skipping a year back in primary school. never ever.

-we threw him a birthday suprise and this is called the Ajay pose.-

-there, we look pretty nerdy (and sleepy) because we were studying halfway before the suprise. and my contact lense expired on yesterday so i couldn't bother to open a new one -__- -

happy birthday.

"and in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. it's the life in your years."
-Abraham Lincoln




p.s: -__- is currently my favourite emoticon